True Believer World Championships?

Though nothing was officially announced, it would seem some sort of World Championship to find the most fanatical True Believer of them all is underway. The ‘arena’ for this much-anticipated title clash is – of course – Facebook, and the last 48 hours has seen the various contestants trying to out-do one another, frantically coming up with the most far-fetched, ignorant, and illogical comments in support of Apartheid-era myth. It is unclear what prize these utter buffoons are hoping to win, but some of the entries were brilliant in their sheer crayon-eating lunacy.

The starting gun which unleased this cavalcade of stupidity was this post on one of the various Boer War Facebook groups:

It was a long post and I shall not repeat it all here, but it basically said that much of what many are so keen to believe about the Boer War is nonsense. With the gauntlet thrown down, a rogues gallery of runners and riders were soon underway, each vying to be the greatest True Believer of them all:

First out of the blocks was a relative new-comer to the competition, someone called Bill Murray:

Of course, Bill Murray’s rant had nothing to do with historical reality – there were not ‘thirty thousand troops in Natal and the Cape’ when the Boers invaded, and nor were they ‘heading to the republican borders’. But one has to understand that, when it comes to deciding who is the most fanatical True Believer of them all, making such baseless claims is a great way to impress the judges.

That Murray was talking complete rubbish was pointed out to him:

Of course, such logic is completely irrelevant. Still determined to win the title, Murray was treated the judges to some more mind-blowing ignorance:

Murray’s squeals that the ‘narrative above misleads the reader into believing the Boers attacked British territory’ really is pure gold when it comes Defending the Myth… of course, and as was pointed out to him, the war started precisely because the Boers did attack British territory, but such pie-in-the-sky, self-pitying claims always go down well with the brandy-drinking hoi polloi, and Murray must have hoped they had put him in pole position to claim the title.

It was great to see entries coming in not just from the normal True Believer hubs of Bloemfontein, Pretoria etc, but from other places too, with this fellow claiming to be from Natal:

The judges were probably impressed with the way that Mr Gove completely twisted historical reality: talking of an ‘English’ invasion of the Boer republics – while leaving out the inconvenient fact that this was only done after the British territories had been invaded by the Boers – always goes down well with the peanut gallery. It is a little like screaming about the Soviet invasion of Nazi Germany in WW2… while studiously ignoring the inconvenient fact that Germany had set this in motion by invading the USSR in 1941.

It was no surprise to see that ‘MC Heunis’ was ‘in the house’ – no competition to determine the most fanatical True Believer of them all would be complete without his surreal and baseless howling, his trademark screams that up is down and black is white, and his entertaining ranting that everything is the fault of the big, nasty British bully.

And so it was that the ‘MC’ threw his hat into the ring:

Strangely, an inability to spell Pakenham’s name correctly is actually viewed as positive in these circles. Sure, it suggests the contestant hasn’t even seen a copy of the True Believer’s Bible – which one might think should count against him. This is trumped, however, by the admiration the judges have for those who have never read any sort of book on the war at all.

And, at the risk of sounding immodest, any schoolyard abuse of Chris Ash – the True Believer’s number one pantomime villain – always goes down well with the mob. The judges will also have enjoyed the way ‘MC’ doesn’t actually explain why my work is ‘trash’ – but, hey – it rhymes, so that’s better than actually producing any counter references, right? And they will have liked that, rather than showing he has the ability to think for himself, ‘MC’ instead just blindly parrots the line that it is based on ‘jingo’ sources (in the lexicon of the True Believers, this simply means any sources which don’t support National Party myth). That the Royal Historical Society rather inconveniently disagree that my writing and research is ‘not proper historical work’ won’t bother the judges.

The fact that the ‘MC’ has always proven completely unable to refute anything I have written was pointed out to him, though this is unlikely to have impacted his scoring:

Still completely unable to take apart the facts I presented, but nevertheless undeterred, ‘MC’ came back with the sort of baseless ranting that always goes down well with the Faithful:

The judges will have enjoyed that – they always appreciate a bit of name-calling, and thoroughly approve of not challenging inconvenient facts.

Disappointingly, some entrants made little effort, and just spat a few lines of rubbish and conspiracy theories:

While spelling mistakes and references to the illuminati always go down well in these competitions, if he wants to take the title, Rudi really needs to make more of an effort next time round.

Next up was an entry by a couple:

The fact that the Boers did indeed start both Boer Wars might bother people who actually care about historical reality, but such nonsense is always encouraged when it comes to determining who is the most fanatical True Believer of them all.

Then it was time for a poorly-written entry from Richard Lyon:

The judges will have been impressed by his near-illiteracy, and that Mr Lyon managed to fit so much utter nonsense into just a couple of short posts. There are always extra points to be earned by randomly throwing in Rhodes’ name, and Lyon’s lunatic claim that British ‘greed’ was to blame because they… well… err… made sure Natal and the Cape were invaded by the Boers to… err… gain control of gold fields which were … err… already owned by British investors… and then… well… granted self-rule to the Transvaal; that level of sheer ignorance always goes down well. Lyon will also have scored extra points for making suggesting that if someone is ‘leading his people and country’, he cannot be corrupt and greedy – which presumably gets Jacob Zuma and Robert Mugabe off the hook.

Another favourite claim which always scores well with the stupid is to pretend that Apartheid was actually started by the British… and all the poor, innocent, utterly blameless National Party did was ‘give it a name’. This was the line attempted by Tony Tait:

The judges certainly won’t care that he is talking utter nonsense, as was pointed out:

An especially deluded entrant then attempted to bring the Big Guy – JC himself – into the mix:

Some great self-serving, ahistorical nonsense in that lot – all of which will have gone down well with the faithful. But what will really have impressed them is the sheer Bible-bashing lunacy of her response after being called out on her rubbish:

Even entrants too cowardly to use their actual name can sometimes provide entertaining offerings:

The inability of Huge Mungus to spell ‘Kimberley’ will have earned him (her?) extra points for sure. And, when he / she realised they were completely out of their depth, an immature sign off of ‘Go F*** Yourself’ will have impressed the judges: I mean, why even attempt to defend the indefensible when you can just swear at anyone who didn’t drink the National Party Kool-Aid?

In the face of all the Myth Defending insanity, poor old ‘MC’ was clearly beginning to feel he needed to up his game, or lose out on the chance of the title – so he frantically jumped in again:

Pretending that there was a British plan in place to invade the republics always scores well with the judges – even when what ‘MC’ was presenting (for the umpteenth time) as an invasion plan was actually an intelligence report. Indeed, one of the most damning findings of the post-war Royal Commission was that there was no plan in place for war in South Africa – but such inconvenient trivialities matter not to the True Believers, and ‘MC’ was consistently showing the right levels of ignorance, dishonesty and fanaticism to take the title.

Perhaps thinking it was now his to lose, ‘MC’ then spewed out this crowd-pleading rubbish:

Of course, none of this is true – but that’s the whole point of the competition. In reality, the invading Boers besieged tiny numbers of British forces at Kimberley (four companies of British infantry) and Mafeking (no British units at all), but also at Ladysmith and Kuruman – neither of which are anywhere near the border of the republics. He then tells a blatant lie (again, this will have gone down well with the peanut gallery), pretending that the Boers ‘did not go deeper’ – even though, in reality, the invaders of Natal actually pushed on towards Durban, getting all the way to Nottingham Road and only turning back after the Battle of Willow Grange.

Though True Believers tend to be male (and generally sad, unemployable ones), it was great to see a bit more diversity this year, with another female entrant offering her rubbish:

Of course, the Great Trek was – in reality – sparked because the nasty British bullies outlawed slavery, but the judges will have been delighted that Henriette pretended otherwise. Also, pretending that diamonds were discovered in the Transvaal is always a crowd pleaser – as is omitting any and all mention that the war was started by the Boers.

Telling baseless lies about the nasty British bully wanting to ‘steal gold’ is always popular in these competitions, and Peter Still attempted to take that well-trodden route to the title:

Though this nonsense is always guaranteed to score highly, the fact that the gold mines were already owned by British / foreign investors is always overlooked – as is the fact that the British quickly granted self-rule to the Transvaal.

But this did not stop old ‘MC’ popping up again, desperate to show the judges that he also has no clue about the history of the Transvaal, or that – as soon as it was granted self-rule – all taxes stayed there:

Perhaps poor old ‘MC’ could see his title slipping from his hands – why else would be keep popping up to outdo the stupidity of the other contestants? Sure enough, he would soon back again, fearful that he might lose out to this entertaining effort from CW le Roux:

CW attempted another favourite tactic of the True Believers, demanding that people simply ‘accept’ their National Party myths, and stop coming up with troublesome facts and references. Again, this appeal for everyone to remain blinkered and thoroughly closed-minded will certainly have appealed to the judges.

And CW was on a bit of a roll, next declaring that it was Britain’s fault they were declared war upon, as they did not back down to Kruger’s ultimatum (exactly the sort of rubbish that the judges like to see):

The pretence that the Boer invasions of British territory were ‘pre-emptive assaults’ is always guaranteed to go down well with the slack-jawed mob.

Again, the demand that people should just ‘believe’ him is the sort of thing the judges like, as are claims that anything that might actually might support his outburst ‘was destroyed or got lost’. No one needs to worry about references or facts: just be a good sheep, and believe the nonsense the True Believers spew out, and all will be fine.

At this point, ‘MC’ was feeling the heat and felt the need to jump in again with his own brand of utter rubbish:

So now ‘MC’ is suddenly pretending that the Boers were only ever planning to take up defensive positions on their border… which promoted a request for clarification:

Of course what really happened was that the Boers did not take up defensive positions on their borders and inside their own republics: they invaded British territory, starting the Boer War. Such things are irrelevant to True Believers, of course, and poor old ‘MC’ still hadn’t provided a shred of evidence anyway:


Still no evidence, but a claim that it is all written in Breytenbach’s National Party approved history of the war:


So, after this desperate deluge of ignorance and nonsense – and though the contest is still ongoing – the bookies’ favourite must feel he has it in the bag, and secured the title as the most fanatical True Believer of the year. The judges can only have been wowed by MC’s refusal to provide references for his claims, and the fact that he was arguing that the poor, innocent Boers adopted defensive positions inside their own republics – even though, in reality, they invaded Natal and the Cape Colony. Anyone with a functioning brain would wonder why, if the plan was for the Boers to adopt these defensive positions, did they instead start the war by invading British territory? Equally, his disingenuous attempt to pass off an intelligence report as an ‘invasion plan’ will also have gone down well with the mob – as will his ludicrous denial the Battle of Willow Grange ever happened. Presumably, in the wacky world of the MC, this inconvenient action was simply made up by “the Jingos”? (AKA: anyone who doesn’t blindly subscribe to Apartheid-regime myth)

Of course, all such things are meat and drink to the True Believers. Logic and historical reality are to be dismissed out of hand, and instead the myths are to be defended at all costs. Besides – what’s the point even researching any of this anyway: only Jesus knows the truth.

2 Comments

  • James Grant Posted January 27, 2025 9:07 am

    Maybe the prize should be a years supply of Klipdrift, and a fucked old white Hi-Lux?

    • Bulldog Posted January 28, 2025 9:23 am

      And a one-way ticket to Orania?

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